A Life So Distant

I observe my life as if it were a living painting. I see it all days pass and respond to them but without actually knowing what the sun feels like. I laugh when things are funny but have no idea what laughter feels like. I cry when the moment is right but the pain that leaks it's way out is distant and foreign to me, Like a star in the night sky, visible but unreachable. I may sob and sob but never know the pain creating the sorrow. I watch as celebrations come and go and with them my enjoyment of life. I am a bystander as life runs its course before me.

Although I’m closed off and disconnected from myself with no bearings for what it is to live life fully I still long to know what it is to feel. To know who I am and why I am. And I crave, like the day does the sun, what it is to feel alive. I’m desperate to sit and watch a sunrise and know that I am present with all that life will ever share with me, that I will not ignore myself, that I will not run from myself, that I will not abandoned myself. For the fear of who I am has taken life and it’s sweetness from me for far too long. I want to know pain, I want to know joy, I want to know sorrow and I want to know what it is to cry because life is so incredibly miraculous...