I sit reflecting on my life and this desire to share who I am and be vulnerable is so strong but then I think about all the moments in my life where being vulnerable is more impossible than walking on water and so I think of why this is. As I write I think I'm discovering that love, the only antidote to the fear of sharing myself, is an escape from actually feeling the experience of sharing myself. I need love to be bigger than my fear because my fear will destroy me if I meet it, so love will always be bigger so that I'm safe when I meet my fear.
It's hard to explain but I feel like I'm not actually facing my fear, it feels like I'm facing the idea of my fear. I was writing one time that my fear feels like having an ever present monster behind you. And so what love was doing was having my feet run so that my fear could never catch up to me. But that is never facing my fear, it's keeping the fear far enough away that I never have to deal with it... What I've been doing is imagining that the monster is in front of me and running right through it and proving to myself that fear will never rule my life.
My fears are being rejected by this world, when I share who I am I will be sent to where the outcast live. I am so scared that no one will accept me for me, that there is something wrong with me and no one wants to deal with what is wrong and I'll be ignored cause I'm too much work. So I hope these words are helpful to me and show that facing my fears won't leave me where I'm alone in this world.
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