I've been through so much

It's been over a year since I posted something and boy oh boy have I gone through a lot in that time. I've learned how to love myself, gone through a break up, started a podcast and a bunch of changes is other areas. I've grown more than I thought I could and have gotten to a place in my life where I actually feel peace. As I write this I'm deciding whether or not I'd like to write about my experiences in life on a day to day basis or be more instructional and like a teacher so we will see where it all goes but I know that whatever I decide it is going to be healthy for me. I guess you can say I'm starting a fresh, with a new perspective on life and ready to share who I am and see where it takes me.

Fear and Love

I sit reflecting on my life and this desire to share who I am and be vulnerable is so strong but then I think about all the moments in my life where being vulnerable is more impossible than walking on water and so I think of why this is. As I write I think I'm discovering that love, the only antidote to the fear of sharing myself, is an escape from actually feeling the experience of sharing myself. I need love to be bigger than my fear because my fear will destroy me if I meet it, so love will always be bigger so that I'm safe when I meet my fear.

It's hard to explain but I feel like I'm not actually facing my fear, it feels like I'm facing the idea of my fear. I was writing one time that my fear feels like having an ever present monster behind you. And so what love was doing was having my feet run so that my fear could never catch up to me. But that is never facing my fear, it's keeping the fear far enough away that I never have to deal with it... What I've been doing is imagining that the monster is in front of me and running right through it and proving to myself that fear will never rule my life.

My fears are being rejected by this world, when I share who I am I will be sent to where the outcast live. I am so scared that no one will accept me for me, that there is something wrong with me and no one wants to deal with what is wrong and I'll be ignored cause I'm too much work. So I hope these words are helpful to me and show that facing my fears won't leave me where I'm alone in this world.

A Life So Distant

I observe my life as if it were a living painting. I see it all days pass and respond to them but without actually knowing what the sun feels like. I laugh when things are funny but have no idea what laughter feels like. I cry when the moment is right but the pain that leaks it's way out is distant and foreign to me, Like a star in the night sky, visible but unreachable. I may sob and sob but never know the pain creating the sorrow. I watch as celebrations come and go and with them my enjoyment of life. I am a bystander as life runs its course before me.

Although I’m closed off and disconnected from myself with no bearings for what it is to live life fully I still long to know what it is to feel. To know who I am and why I am. And I crave, like the day does the sun, what it is to feel alive. I’m desperate to sit and watch a sunrise and know that I am present with all that life will ever share with me, that I will not ignore myself, that I will not run from myself, that I will not abandoned myself. For the fear of who I am has taken life and it’s sweetness from me for far too long. I want to know pain, I want to know joy, I want to know sorrow and I want to know what it is to cry because life is so incredibly miraculous...

Judgement

I’ve recently discovered that I judge like my life depended on it, and as it turns out, it does. For in others I find my value and worth.

I am a human, subject to the acceptance we all need being a homosapien on this planet. And with this need to be accepted I found myself looking for whatever I could to make myself better in the eyes of the world, for the Lord knows that I had no value in myself and therefore couldn’t find it in me… and if somehow this acceptance vanished then I would slowly fall into the abyss that swallows living humans and spits out lifeless numb motion goers.

Even if the world never knew I was doing all that I could to raise myself above another in attempt for others to say I am wonderful it was still happening. It wasn’t even malicious but at every turn I’d take advantage of noticing what in me was better than what was in another. I was belittling others to raise myself up and I had no idea it was happening.

Now that I’ve realized this, my knee jerk reaction is now to judge myself. But if there is one thing I’ve learned over the last year it is that to combat judgment you need acceptance. And so rather than dismissing myself as a failure for judging everything and everyone under the sun I’m going to tell myself that it was the only way I knew to look at myself positively. From here on out, whether I succeed at every turn or fall short, I will do all that I can to look at myself and accept myself for I am.

A tough road

I feel lost, unmet by peace, a distant acquaintance to what we call vulnerability. I look at my hands, at my thoughts, at the words my fingers share with the world and experience a rather painful unending pit of nothingness. The choice to see life as more than a miserable chaotic folly of events is something I’m well aware of and something that has done very little to actually change much, or so it has felt. So my desire to look at life in a positive light seems incredibly distant, outrageously far and in a place I don’t want to go. For change will not be there, a brighter day will never share it’s rays of shine with me. I know the journey of self love and compassion takes but a few thoughts but it feels like a journey to the moon, and in my lifetime I’ve yet to even hit a few miles. So here I sit, laying my thoughts on a page, sharing what it is like to stumble and fall through life with a bunch of robbers waiting to steal all that I’ve acquired once I’ve hit the ground.

Redirecting

I've recently starting to see a life consultant, someone who has been helping me understand who I am. Though this process has been tough (having to figure out my motivations, what's created them and having to actually care about myself) there has been nothing more lovely that I've done in my life. So I've come at life from this place of wanting to help other people know how to live life in such a fashion that every moment is the best it could be. But then I discovered how fantastic it is to just be me and not have to do anything to help another accomplish something in life, I feel free to live life as I see best for me.

Something has shifted in me and perspective and helping people understand their life has really become less important and know I have such a huge desire to simply know people for the sake of knowing who they are. So I guess what I would love to see happen is just develop a section below where people could comment a little about themselves and share themselves so I could get to know who you are. Not sure exactly what that will lead to but maybe just a mutual friendship so if anyone wants a friend go ahead and comment and maybe we can go over topics in life that are just interesting to us, Cheers friends.

Freedom in choice

I remember the day when I first felt freedom....

It was the most peculiar experience of my life. For I was working for a man who said I was free to do as I so choose but what was strange is I never felt like I was free to do anything. I'd make a mistake and then the words of condemnation would rain down, words of belittlement would fly my way. If I wasn't perfect I would be reminded of all the areas I failed and would be shown the others all around me that do life better. I was free to do as I pleased in this world yet slave to what happened with each one of my actions. 

Then one day the company I was working for got bought out by a bigger company. This time it was different in terms of how I could act. I wasn't able to do as I choose, the boss would give me guidelines to live a certain way and at first I was incredibly upset about that, oddly enough things would seem to go well but my thought was always 'I'd rather have freedom and feel crappy than have to follow what another says and feel good'. Then after sometime of living this style of life I started to notice how much I enjoyed following the good things set in the guidelines. I started to realize that the boss gave me the words to follow so my time at work would be easier for me. 

Then a few months after working for the new man in charge I realized something. These guidelines put in place weren't there to keep me from doing certain things, they were established so I could live a better life. Then with that realization the light bulb sparked on. Freedom isn't the ability to feel good because you have the opportunity of your own choice, Freedom is knowing that any choice you make is a good one because it's not dictated by another to be seen as good.